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20
DO'S & DON'TS OF A FUNCTIONAL RELATIONSHIP
From TheTransitionProcessTM Interactive Lecture
HOW TO ATTRACT
EMOTIONALLY HEALTHY PEOPLE
The following is a list of The 20 Do's and Don'ts of A Functional Relationship.
It has been an effective tool and starting point for individuals and couples who are serious about creating more joy, honesty,
and real intimacy in their lives. Most often clients they say this list has given them a beginning template of what a functional
relationship should look like.
Hierarchy of A Functional Relationship
Intimacy
Love
Respect
Trust
Truth
WHAT IS A FUNCTIONAL RELATIONSHIP? All relationships need to start with a base of truth. Without
truth at the base of our relationship pyramid, trust cannot occur. Without this development of trust, respect will never be
born. Without the essential level of respect for one another, love will never grow and nourish the partners. Intimacy occurs
when we are willing to share our whole selves with one another. Intimacy is the gift we get at the top of this hierarchy when
we are willing to participate and engage in a balanced relationship. A functional relationship always continues to grow and
expand into a beautiful, ongoing adventure of emotional intimacy.
If you are one of those who constantly feels
like you are walking on eggshells, afraid of telling your truth, you may not be participating in a functional relationship.
Read the 20 do's and don'ts and see how many apply to you.
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20 DO'S & DON'TS OF A FUNCTIONAL RELATIONSHIP
From TheTransitionProcessTM Interactive Lecture
HOW
TO ATTRACT EMOTIONALLY HEALTHY PEOPLE
1. Who you think you are is important. Like attracts like. Think about it.
Do you like who you are?
2. What you want in a relationship is important, and when you are willing to ask for
it, you will be able to create it. But only ask for what you want when you are clear about what it is. Until then, don't go
around demanding things you just think you should have.
3. We get exactly what we focus on. The problem or the
solution. We make a choice between them with every decision we make.
4. Tell yourself the truth about what you
want, not what others (family, friends, spouse) say you should have.
5. Tell everyone else your truth about what
you want. Do not be afraid to share your vision and dreams with those you love.
6. You are not defined by your
relationships unless you choose to be. Consider what it says about you if you deed over you soul to one (partner/relationship).
7. Interdependent (two independent functional people) relationships are the only ones that work, long term. (Not
dependant or co-dependant)
8. Truth is the first thing necessary to create trust in our relationships. Respect
is earned from trust, and love is earned from respect. Intimacy is the gift we get when we risk telling the truth. * See the
hierarchy of a functional relationship
9. Fear of intimacy is fear of the truth. Your truth is better for you
than someone else's. Just get to know what it is, so you can finally own it, and speak it.
10. If your relationship
is not getting better, it is probably getting worse. Life is dynamic and nothing ever stays the same.
11. Every
relationship is unique. It takes what it takes to work. If you want it to work, you have to work it. No shortcuts. No 50/50
deals.
12. It is not your job to fix your mate, and it is not his or her job to fix you. Take this relationship
and what your mate says at face value and stop reading into it what you would like to hear. We can work with what is real.
It is impossible to deal with what is not real.
13. Unconditional love is an inside job. If you have not gotten
it by now, guess what...start working from within. When you can give it to yourself, you will be ready to give it to someone
else. If you can give it to someone else, you will recognize it when it is being given to you. Joy can only be experienced
in the present moment.
14. If you both are committed to creating a functional relationship, agree to start doing
it today, without any judgments about the past. Be willing to work in the solution and let go of your need to control the
outcome, moment to moment, one day at a time
15. Most of our fears about what may happen in this relationship
are really fears we experienced in past relationships, and have nothing to do with this person. Come to grips with what's
real and what's Memorex! .
16. When in an argument, ask yourself Does this really PASS THE SO WHAT TEST? For you
to be right does the other person have to be wrong? Think about it. Life is short. Do not waste it on arguments that have
no meaning or purpose. You can always agree to disagree if you need to. Then laugh about it, and go on to the next thing.
Start observing your need to argue as just another dysfunctional, immature habit that needs to be broken.
17.
When we finally learn to say we are sorry (at 3 or 93), we get to finally hear we are O.K. To error is human, and there is
great virtue in all forgiveness, ourselves included. The best way to teach our children this lesson is by watching us demonstrate
it.
18. Any negative, hurtful or sarcastic remark is abusive. Like a sharp knife, each word will carve out a chunk
of a loving relationship that can never grow back. Please consider the source and outcome of your remarks; before you open
you mouth to tell your truth.
19. Never let a day go by without saying and showing how much your relationship
and partner mean to you. Never take a moment for granted. Express how grateful you are for your good fortune, however meek
or humble it may be. Appreciation and gratefulness have magic in them. It seems the more we express them, the more reasons
we are given to say thank you.
20. To have a functional relationship you have to be willing to risk loosing it
everyday, by telling your truth. If you don't feel free to tell your truth, start asking yourself why you think it's so important
to stay, and what else you are willing to lose besides your self-esteem. For starters, you can ask your mate to tell their
truth, and be willing to accept it at face value, with no judgment. Now you both get to finally know if you each want a relationship
based on what's real for each of you.
...For optimum results, start doing this in the first five minutes of meeting
anyone.
C Copyright 1997-2009 E.K.Bernshaw
All Rights Reserved
Transitions Counseling/Consulting
760-536-6643 http://www.transitionscounseling.com
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